Jumping for Joy?

I am sitting at my dining room table, it is very quiet and I can hear the crickets singing their melodic chorus outside in my garden. The boys are asleep (for now) and hubby is at the rugby, so I am enveloped in my own wondrous company!

Not that I think I'm wondrous or anything - just that I have always been a person who simply loves to be alone, to do my own thing, to read, ruminate, clean, totter around... Not easy with two little ones under 3 years! So, whenever this happens, which is about once a month, I just relish in my alone-ness. I let it wrap me up like a big fluffy just-washed blanket.

As always, life is busy - I actually wish I had another expression, because that one is getting really old now. Hmpf! But it is what it is! I am pleased to have a new client, and the prospects are very exciting! It does however mean more work at this point - but I am okay with that.

Harlan is growing bigger and more adventurous everyday, but he's still amazingly attached to me. He seems to get severe separation anxiety and isn't very social with other little ones - shame! I think he's actually a little wary of other kids because his big brother (*ahem*) is rather brutal with him.

I am amazed at Harlan's complete focus and determination to understand how things work, how they fit, how they stack, how they fall, how they taste, how they feel, and how they break... He can busy himself for ages on simply screwing the top on and off a bottle.

Malakai, on the other hand, is going through a phase where he wants tons of input. He wants to be shown, he wants to learn and he wants an adult to be by his side. But, he's doing so well as school - he actually doesn't want to come home when I collect him in the afternoon.

The other day when I collected him, he saw me coming and quickly scooted his butt onto the collective blanket where all his friends were sitting. I called 'Malakai!' and he looked the other way! It was so funny!

Otherwise, I am having such a pain of a time disciplining Mr M - still! I just don't know if anything is sinking in... His latest is to run past Harlan and grab some hair and carry on running! Seriously! I just don't know... And he knows he's being naughty.

Also, as Malakai gets older I see both his amazing strengths and I am starting to come face-to-face with his weaknesses. I cannot believe that Malakai can read, that he understands so many signs, that he's so darn clever! He really is an incredibly bright little boy.

On the other side of the coin, we're working on 'jumping' at physio at the moment, and I catch myself thinking how strange it is... we have to teach Malakai how to do something that his cousin (who is much younger than him) can do already with no problem. And he hates it too... Where most kids literally jump for joy. Ai ai ai... I am sometimes reminded that Malakai actually does have special needs - which brings me to the next thing.

The fact that I have to be reminded that my child has special needs is testament in itself of how this journey is just so beautiful, so fulfilling, so amazing. Yes, I sometimes want to cry because my son needs to be taught how to jump, but for the most part he's just my really amazing, very clever and incredibly loving son. I love that we we are blinded by Malakai's ABILITIES!

Finally, I have found a fantastic doctor. In South Africa we only have roughly 5 paediatric neurologists, and so the wait for an appointment can be between 10 - 12 months. Luckily I discovered a newly qualified PaedNeuro and had to only wait one week - ONE WEEK - for an appointment! That is really amazing!

Anyhoo - we had a one hour session and we covered everything from birth to current day. We spoke about Malakai's development including physical, emotional, sensory, behavioural - you name it, we covered it! She was so thorough! Then, I showed her Malakai's sleep video and I held my breath. I think I have just been told so many times that I'm losing the plot that I was afraid she'd think so too.

Thank heavens she agreed that Malakai was not behaving normally in his sleep! Yay! I am not mad!

So, we now have to wait for a sleep study (any tips from other moms would be awesome) and an EEG. Once again though, not many people who do this in South Africa, so I have no idea when we're going to get an appointment. The reason we're doing an EEG is because the doctor suspects (from watching the video) that Malakai might have nocturnal epilepsy. The EEG might confirm this or it might not even pick it up (as often happens, even when epilepsy is present). However, the sleep study should also narrow things down a bit for us!

I cannot express how relieved I am that we are finally taking action and might actually have a diagnosis for Malakai's sleep issues sometime soon. He is so amazing, so gorgeous and so beautiful - imagine what he's going to be like when he's actually getting a good night's sleep? Can anyone spell 'a.n.g.e.l.'?

Anyhoo - that's us for now. Back to some awesome 'me time'!

Its been so long...

I regret to acknowledge that I have totally neglected my blog these past weeks, and I am so terribly sorry. Not only have I now got a ton of things to say (which makes for very arduous reading), but I have also lost track of my favourite blogs - the reading of which brightens my days and gives me constant hope and reflection.

By way of an attempted apology, I'll use sub-headers in this post, so that you can just skip right past anything that doesn't tickle your fancy!

Work, work, work...
I have been working my proverbial backside to the proverbial grindstone... I have a new editor and she's getting things into the kind of shape she likes them to be, which means working very hard on two week deadlines (that usually take four weeks). This has been the biggest reason why I haven't had any time for anything but work, sleep and kiddies.

Sleep, or lack thereof
The second reason for my lack of time has to do with the fact that the boys are not just waking up at night - they're starting their antics as early as 8:30pm (and they go to sleep at 7:30pm...). Now any self-respecting mother and father will know that this scenario leaves you with... well... no time whatsoever to relax, catch up on emails, watch a movie, or just vegetate on the couch with a good book. It's all work, kiddies, work, kiddies and a few much needed hours of sleep here and there.

Sleep Training
Which brings me to sleep training... aaahhh...
I have admitted to anyone who will listen that I am completely and obviously useless when it comes to sorting out my children's sleep habits - so I've brought someone in. For roughly the price of a four-star hotel per night, she comes in and is sleep training Harlan for me.
So, I've had two good night's rest and Harlan is halfway towards sleeping through, bada-bing bada-boom!

Sleep Issues
Following Harlan, the sleep trainer will move onto Malakai the with singular focus of telling me what on earth is going on with him. I want an expert (and outsider's) opinion as to whether Malakai's sleep issues are behavioural or not. Which brings me to my next point...

Munchausen by proxy syndrome (MBPS)
A condition where mothers often 'create' illnesses for their children (either by pretending or actually harming them) in order to get attention. Not a nice thing, no. But I am at the point with our family doctor where I feel like I'm carrying a big board around my neck that says "Hey, my name is Loren and I have MBPS".
We've ruled out benign joint hypermobility syndrome, we've investigated restless leg syndrome and ruled out 2 of the 3 major causes (iron deficiency and thyroid disease). And now the third, and possibly most relevant cause for restless leg syndrome in terms of Malakai's Down syndrome is a dopamine deficiency (which has been proven in Ds).
But the doctor is just not willing to take the route of treating dopamine deficiency because of the kinds of medication used, although I have read that toddlers can be given the medication if the pros far outweigh the cons (i.e. constant lack of sleep affecting ability to learn, function etc).
And, when I ask him to check Malakai's dopamine levels he looks at me like I have MBPS. And, when I look at myself, I ask that question as well - am I taking this too far? Should I just accept that Malakai will not sleep?

Well that's it for now folks - life is busy and now that we are making progress (for which I promise not to take the credit) with sleep, things just look more manageable. Sleep is an amazing thing, and prolonged lack of it can seriously turn your life grey.

Here's to getting some sleep - for ALL of us!

Sleepness nights

So... The one thing I used to thank my lucky stars for was the fact that Malakai slept like a log, from eight weeks onwards. In fact, I was probably one of those annoyingly smug parents who all the other sleep-deprived-parents wanted to smack. I couldn't help it... but I was very very grateful.

Then Harlan was born - and he didn't believe in sleep. It's just not really his thing. And that's ok, I've come to terms with it (it only took me about a year... but I've accepted it now).

This post is not about Harlan though - because I know his night-time wakings have always been a part of who he is and he's used to crying and seeing his mom arrive to comfort him. Don't even talk to me about sleep training...

This post is about Malakai. He's not sleeping anymore. For the last six months or so, he's slept terribly! Now, I understand that children with Down syndrome do tend to have poor sleeping habits - they have a high incidence of obstructive sleep apnea as well as more time spent in lighter-sleep-stages than a typical child.

However, Malakai seems to be really uncomfortable in his sleep, as if something is hurting or annoying him. Of course, the first thing I did was to consult his ENT specialist, who told me that Malakai's tonsils and adenoids are perfect - so there is no chance that he has obstructive sleep apnea. OK - tick that off the list.

But he continued to wake up moaning and tossing and turning 5 out of 7 nights a week. I decided to give him neurofen, a painkiller, and after this he sleeps like a dream. I spoke to his GP about this and she confirmed that neurofen does not induce drowsiness, so if he was just being naughty, he would continue being naughty. But because he sleeps afterwards, it means that he IS in pain and the neurofen soothes this and he's able to sleep.

So - if he's in pain, what is it from? I started researching, because when Malakai wakes up moaning, the top half of his body is still and he's constantly stretching, rubbing and kicking his legs. So I thought that perhaps it could be his legs?

So - my friends - I am finally at two possibilities and wanted to know if any Ds Mamas out there had any experience with either of these?

It could be Restless Leg Syndrome, which can affect children as young as two years old (and Malakai is 2 and a half). It is characterised by legs that are sore when they are AT REST, so the person wants to move them in order to soothe the pain. It also happens often at night and affects the quality of sleep. It is neurological disorder that is caused (in part) by the underproduction of endorphins (and I believe this is the case with children with Down syndrome?). At this point, I have no idea how we could treat it if this was the case. I have read that certain medications can be prescribed, but of course, when it comes to a toddler, we'd have to go and see someone who could really help us out here.

The second possibility is something called Benign Joint Hypermobility Syndrome (BJHS). It sounds rather complicated, but its not really. It's a condition that often affects people who are double-jointed, i.e. have hyper-mobile joints (as is the case with Down syndrome). Because of this hyper-mobility, there is less proprioceptive input from the leg joints, and so these individuals are putting too much strain on their legs during the day's activities (and not noticing it) and when they lie down to sleep at night they feel pain in their joints. For someone like Malakai, who's climbing, running, falling and jumping all day - he could be hurting his legs and not know it. Thing is, treatment involves controlling activity (impossible for Malakai) or psysio-therapy, which Malakai is already attending, to strengthen leg muscles. If I have to wait for his legs to become more muscular, it could be months and months of sleepless nights for him...

What I do know is that I have to sort this out. Malakai is not getting the rest he so desperately needs to be able to learn to his full potential in the day time.  And after a bad night's sleep the stinker is still up at 5:30am (as hard as I've tried to change that... another thing I've come to accept... lol).

Any moms out there experience something similar? Any ideas? Am I reading too much into things? Do all children with Down syndrome moan in their sleep and look like they're in pain?  It's just that the pain medication actually works and helps him to sleep, but I can't give him pain medication every other night...

Any help or tips would be awesome! Thanks!

Happiness is...

So... I'm meant to be working... I have deadlines looming over me like black thunder-filled clouds. So, naturally, I'm updating my (non-paying) blog!

I couldn't resist though...

Last weekend, we put Malakai in his little wagon and his dad pushed him and pulled him... I swear I could smell burning rubber (nevermind that the wheels on the wagon are plastic...). The faster Dad went, the louder Malakai laughed and wider his smile. He's a little sensory-junky this biggest boy of mine!

And little Harlan? Well, let's just say he's not so keen on his dad's home-made roller coaster efforts... This was the closest thing to a 'smile' that I managed to catch on camera - the rest of the time he was holding on with white knuckles. Poor monkey!

THAT word again...

It never fails to sting. Like a petulant bee, refusing to move onto other sweeter things... like putting my winter-frozen foot into a hot bath... When I hear the word, it is as if the world dissapears, morphed into a hazy background. There is only one loud, big, slap-you-in-the-face word... retard.

I gulp. Blink. Divert my eyes. Should I say something? Explain how they are using my son's disability as an adjective. Do they care? Or am I just wasting my breath?

People may argue, they may try to explain it away, that it doesn't mean anything, it's just a joke, it's not meant to harm... but I know. I know because I myself used the word, before my son was born. And I can tell you, it was never used in a positive light. I used it as a way to describe something that was 'less than', something that didn't quite measure up, something that was stupid.

I feel sick when I remember how I used to throw the word around - I often remember how casually I let it roll from my tongue. I'll remember one time or another, when I used the word... while I'm making coffee, or while I'm running a bath. While I'm cooking or while I'm looking in my son's eyes...

I can never take that away. I can never sit from a lofty height and preach to others. But I can stand solidly on the earth and say that I was there - I know what using that word is all about... And it's not good.

It's disrespectful. It's hurtful. It's hateful. 

I know this.

Do you?

Will you help me to spread the word to end the word?

If you're still not sure, read this... it might convince you.


The People Who are the R-Word
(by David Hingsburger)

The people who ‘ARE’ what the ‘R’ word refers to have a long history.

They have been torn from families and cast into institutions.

They have been beaten, hosed down, over medicated, under nourished, sterilized, brutalized, victimized.

They have been held captive, have been enslaved, have had their being given over to the state.

They are the group in society most likely to be physically, sexually and financially abused.

They are the group least likely to see justice, experience fair play, receive accommodation or support within the justice system.

They are the group most likely to be bullied, most likely to be tyrannized, most likely to be the target of taunts.

They are the least likely to have their hurt taken seriously, physical hurt, emotional hurt, spiritual hurt.

They are most likely to be ignored when they speak of pain, have their words diminished by an assumption of diminished capacity.

They are the least likely to ever be seen as equal, as equivalent and entirely whole.

They are the victim of some of the most widespread and pervasive prejudices imaginable.

They are those that the Nazi’s thought unworthy of life, they are those targeted by geneticists for non-existence, they need fear those who wear black hats and those who wear white coats.

They are educated only under protest, they are included as a concession rather than a right, they are neighbours only because petitions failed to keep them out.

They are kept from the leadership of their own movement, they are ignored by the media, their stories are told to glorify Gods that they do not worship.

That they are a ‘people’ is questioned even though they have a unique history, a unique voice, a unique perception of the world.

That they are a ‘community’ is questioned even though they have commonality, they have mutual goals, they have a collective vision of the future.

That they are have a legitimate place at the table is questioned simply because no one’s ever offered a seat.

They are a people.

They ask for respect and receive pity.

They ask for fair play and are offered charity.

They ask for justice and wipe spittle off their face.

They ask to silence words that brutalize them and their concerns are trivialized.

They ask to walk safely through their communities and yet bullies go unpunished.

They ask to participate fully and they are denied access and accommodation and acceptance.

And this is NOW.

This is the people who have walked the land of the long corridor, who have waited at the frontier of our bias to finally be here, now. They have survived. They have come home. They have continued, silently and without fanfare, to take hold of freedom and live with dignity. They have given everything they have for what others take for granted. Their civil liberties are perceived as ‘gifts’ as ‘tokens’ and as ‘charity’. Their rights are seen as privileges. Their movement is, as of yet, unacknowledged. They are a people recently emancipated, new citizens, who are tentatively discovering their voice.

It is a voice not yet heard.

It is a voice not yet respected.

It is a voice not yet understood.

But it is speaking.

And when it is finally heard. The world will change.

The ‘R’ word is an attack on a people who know discrimination. Tremble when you say it. Because those who should know better will be held accountable to those who know best.

Happy Birthday Harlan

Dearest Harlan,

So here we are my boy - 365 days since you came screaming (literally) into the world. When I think of the last year, what comes to mind the most is your determined spirit. From the first day you were born, you have made your feelings known - that's for sure!

Your first couple of months were difficult for you - and it was terrible for me to watch you being uncomfortable and unhappy, without much that I could do to help. I often worried how you would 'learn' to be happy with so few happy moments to go on... But boy was I wrong! You are about the happiest little guy I've ever met (when you're not tired or hungry...)!

You brighten my day and challenge my resolve, you make me think twice and inspire me to give you the best. Your love for me is amazing - I didn't realise that someone so small could give so much love!

So, in the past year you have gone from helpless little baby to a fully mobile almost-toddler! You are not walking yet, but I am convinced it's because in order to learn to walk, you need to slow down a bit... not something you know how to do!

You do everything at warp speed - you crawl from one place to another faster than I've ever seen a baby crawl (you actually kind of 'run' on your hands and knees...). You climb up on things and want to imitate everything that your brother does... not always safe though my angel!

You love to eat and your favourite word is 'more' - which you repeat over and over again while you eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and each snack in between!  You can also say 'ball', 'dada', 'mama', 'woof' and 'juice'. You wave good-bye, do the signs for 'finished' and 'sleep' and you give everyone copious amounts of wide-mouthed kisses!

This last year has been an amazing journey for me, Daddy and Malakai - getting to know you and making you part of our little family. We love you so much and think you're one amazing little boy!

All our love baby boy!

Hooray!

Malakai's first two weeks at school have all-in-all been a good experience. I really kept an open mind, which helped so much!

Unfortunately he has refused to eat the wonderful cooked lunches (I was so hoping he would see the other kids eating the lunch and buckle under the 'peer pressure', but no luck as yet). So, I'm packing him his standard sandwich and fruit combo - he's really fussy and will only eat certain kinds of sandwiches (peanut butter or bovril).

Also, he started crying when I dropped him off at school in the mornings - I mean, he stuck to me like velcro and his teacher had to literally pry him out of my arms. Luckily, I know of an excellent remedy based on Touch Therapy, which really helps when our little ones are feeling a bit emotionally insecure. Three days of touch therapy and this morning he jumped out my arms and ran to play!

As for the staff - I have watched, waited and not been pushy at all. I wanted them to discover the magic of Malakai all by themselves. I can't claim to know what they were thinking, but each one of the staff members has pulled me aside at some point this last week to tell me what a wonderful child Malakai is - how 'normal' he is... I am not offended by this description at all - I'm just pleased that their eyes have been opened to the possibilities that exist for every child (including those with different abilities). *smile*

Malakai was naturally a bit shy and reserved for the first few days, but his teacher tells me that he's really taking part now, and there are two little ones in his class that he is particularly close to. Everyday, I hear a story that makes my heart beat a bit faster with delight.

I believe that when learning about Noah's Ark, Malakai was the first to 'name' (using signs and animal sounds) most of the animals on the ark! Malakai is also very good at pointing to his various body parts, faster than the other kids apparently? And my favourite so far? During prayers, instead of saying 'amen' with the other kids, Malakai screams "Hooray!" with his hands in the air...

Be still my beating heart...

So - I'd say these first two weeks have been a raging success. They have far outstriped my wildest ideas (if I'd allowed myself to have any... which I didn't, pinkie-swear...).

'The' link...

I always like to think of myself as a fairly organised and highly inquisitive person. I do well when it comes to gathering information - let's say, I like to be informed, it gives me a sense of control (although I know that much in life is way beyond my control!).

Anyway!

When Malakai was born and we found out that he had Down syndrome, it was something that I knew very little about. I had not even really met any people before with Down syndrome (contrary to every. single. other. person.... who spoke to us in the first few days who all seemed to know someone, or had a neighbour or had a sibling with Down syndrome...)

After the initial shock wore off and I felt that I had truly come to bond with my new little baby, I immediately ordered several books from the internet and went on a mission to learn more about Down syndrome.

Within a couple of months I felt that I knew almost everything that there was to know about Down syndrome... well not everything, but at least everything that was important to Malakai's development and health.

But I didn't know everything. I missed out on ONE BIG THING... I noticed references to Down syndrome and Alzheimers, but I thought that was for when Malakai was older, much older... So, in my natural (and annoying) way of 'taking in only what is neccessary', I kind of skimmed over the subject of Alzheimers, thinking it wasn't relevant right now in our lives.

I was wrong.

It is so relevent, it is scary. I am still kind of struggling to understand it's impact (and I suppose so are the rest of the scientific community...) on Malakai's development, but I do know that it is here - right now.

From what I understand, scientists have discovered one of the genes found to cause Alzheimers on the 21st Chromosome. This gene, called the APP gene, is responsible for manufacturing a protein (called beta-amyloid protein) that, when in too large doses (as is the case with Alzheimers and Down syndrome), causes 'potholes' to form in the 'highways' between brain cells. And when brain cells are not talking to each nicely (because there are potholes everywhere), they tend to die off.

Now, in the general population - this gene becoming 'faulty' and overproducing the bad protein occurs much later in life (hence Alzheimers being primarily a disease of the aged). However, because people with Down syndrome have an additional copy of the 21st chromosome, and hence more of the bad protein, the damaging effects start... well... from birth. This is why the average age of Alzheimers onset in the Down syndrome population is between 25 and 30 years old.

I always believed that Down syndrome was a 'fixed' condition. By that, I mean that I believed our children are born with a fixed amount of cognitive challenges. Of course, we cannot know what these challenges are exactly, as they will differ from child to child - but through early intervention and loads of love and encouragement, our children will be able to achieve almost anything they set their minds to - albeit at a slower pace (and sometimes not even much slower at all).

I've always been soothed by the fact that we are doing everything we can for Malakai and that he's just so incredibly motivated and wants to learn. He is wonderful and beautiful and perfect. I wouldn't change him (or his extra chromosome) for anything.

But I find it distinctly disturbing and completely unnerving that there is this constant, daily, hourly overproduction of a protein that is killing his brain cells. I am devastated at the realisation that Down syndrome is not a fixed, but a progressive condition.  How do I come to this conclusion? Well, this APP gene and it's protein is over-produced in my child. This protein, when overproduced is absolutely known to cause plaques on the brain that slowly rob an individual of their cognitive ability...

So what now?

Well - thankfully, the race to find a cure for Alzheimers is on. Unfortunately, this is not because our beautiful children with Down syndrome are almost guaranteed to develop it - no... rather it is because so many in the general population are in danger of developing this terrible condition, the treatment of which will rise into the hundreds of millions of dollars when the Baby-Boomers hit their 70's and 80's. This is something that that most governments cannot afford... hence the race...

But what now? What about Malakai? What can be done for him and other little ones with Down syndrome... now?!

I know of drug trials that are being done, by a Doctor called George Capone at the Kennedy Krieger Institute in the US, on people with Down syndrome - drugs that will hopefully counteract, or at least slow down, the development of further cognitive delays. So I hold my breath and pray and hope that these drugs are successful. In fact, one of the youngters doing the trial is from a blog that I follow - you can read more about Hannah's bravery here.

Malakai's First Day!

Malakai started school on Tuesday... It was a wonderful day! I am so excited that he's going to be attending creche (half day for the moment) because I truly believe that there is only so much I can teach him... The rest he is going to learn from interacting with and emulating his peers.

So far he's been a bit reluctant to eat or drink anything at school - I don't know if it's because he's having so much fun that he doesn't want to stop, or if he's just unsure of things (and he's a fussy eater as it is..). But we'll see! I am sure he won't starve to death in a matter of days...

Otherwise, the teacher tells me that he's getting more involved with each passing day. On the first day, he kept pretty much to himself and just explored the buildings and the gardens. On the second day, he didn't partake in drawing-time, but played with toys close by. And on the third day, he participated with the other little kiddos during circle-music time, and he and another little girl played together nicely...

I am just sitting back and seeing how things go at this point.  Oh yes, I have my fears that he won't fit in, or that he'll throw something at another child and hurt them, or that he'll want to hug and touch the other kids all the time (he's very affectionate) which will freak them out. Oh yes... I have my fears that Malakai will be 'obviously' different. But I am doing very well at keeping these thoughts in check.

I will not create stories about this that don't need to be told.  I want the true stories, the true journey, the true magic to unfold naturally and without any colouring from me.

I know that Malakai will do well - I know that he'll thrive in a fun and busy environment. I know that he has social delays - but I am sure this a purely because he hasn't really been exposed to many other children in his life so far. And the only way he's going to learn will be through experience.

So, our first week at school has gone well!

Next stop... Happiness

Wow! What a trip the last two weeks have been! We've spent so much time with our little boys, and as we've always noticed, they really do blossom when mommy and daddy are around!

But, I must say I am thrilled to finally be sticking my toe in the tepid waters of a new year... There is something about a clean canvas that really gets my creative juices flowing... everything is just so hopeful, so exciting, so possible when a new year opens it's door.

Malakai is starting school in a week's time and I am so excited for him! He could not be more bored and more frustrated within the confines of the home that has been his 'safe place to fall' from his birth. It is perfect though - he's been given everything he's needed here so far, but he's ready, so ready to spread his little wings and get out there into the big world.

I have so much to prepare for him. A signing book so that his teacher knows the signs that he uses and is learning. A letter that I'm writing for the parents of the children in his class. A special meeting, where we will discuss where he is developmentally and where we're working towards.

Oh, here we go! My little boy is leaving the safety and security of our home, where I have been able to guide every aspect of his development, to a place where I no longer have such influence... But I am excited about this, because I know that I do not know everything... and the world... the world is his too.

As for Harlan - he's just so adorable and determined. I think we have a little warrior on our hands. I know that his stubborn nature can make things difficult right now, but in future, it will fuel the fire of his self-realisation. So I am trying to find a way to introduce boundaries without making dull that fiery spirit of his. And this is not easy, but who said parenting would be easy?

As for Darryl and myself - we've got our own dreams this year as well... Dreams that we want to realise, as best we can. And somehow - even after 2010 pushed us and squeezed us and pulled us to our knees - we feel that we have a fighting chance.

So I will end off my first post of 2011 with a quote that I shared when I finally decided to resign from my job and take on writing full-time... When I 'took the leap' into a dark abyss and really prayed that my wings would grow... I think sums up beautifully our vision for the coming year...

"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. The most you can do is live inside that hope, running down its hallways, touching the walls on both sides." - Barbara Kingsolver

Holiday Pictures... so far

We still have a good few days left of our Summer Holidays, and many more pictures to take... but I thought I'd load some in the meantime...

Christmas Morning with the boys

Malakai's first present

Harlan's first present

Malakai playing in his new 'tent house'

Harlan playing in Malakai's new 'tent house'!

Malakai just LOVES the piano at my sister's house - he'll sit there for hours just pounding on the keys... a little mozart maybe?

Pool time! The boys both love the water...

Malakai can jump into his dad's arms a million times over!

Harlan and me in the Jacuzzi - love the little stinker!

My dad giving Harlan his bottle

Natalia (my niece) running along the slip 'n slide - pure joy if I ever saw it!

Harlan's hair - ha ha! So cute!

Malakai on the slide - he's getting so big!

Hugs!

Malakai crawling through the tunnel

My beautiful boy - no really... how beautiful is this kid????

Like an olympic athlete crossing over the finish line - coz that's how he rolls!

Watermelon - Harlan's absolute favourite snack on these incredibly hot days!

Barefeet... grass... summer time!

He's just such a solid little guy, Mr Harlan!

Malakai and Darryl running and playing on the grass at Irene Dairy



Gotcha!



Goodbye 2010

The end of the year is upon us and I find myself looking back, taking stock, trying to find the gifts that this year has bestowed upon us as the Stow Family. 

While I have often felt completely overwhelmed, a lot like 2010 turned me over and gave my butt a big kick... I feel like I should... like I must delve deeper and find those gifts, because I cannot look back at a year as if it's a 'black sheep' in my life.

Firstly, we welcomed our second baby. Little Harlan brought with him many unexpected challenges, and in a way I was completely blind-sided by my 'trip to Italy'... But today, after months of challenges, we are faced with an incredibly happy, incredibly adorable, incredibly special little boy. He has crept into our hearts and we're celebrating his outspoken, lively, determined nature with each passing day.

Secondly, this year has been one where Malakai went from baby to toddler. We've faced all the typical challenges that a toddler brings to the table, and we've been amazed at how Malakai has started to come out of his shell and interact with his world. He too is an outspoken, lively and determined little spirit!

Thirdly, for the second half of this year I've attempted to live my dream by writing full time from home. This too did not turn out exactly as I expected... But I am holding on, determined to find a way to continue. I may need to rethink everything in order to hold on to my dream - and this is where it gets tricky... Nevertheless, I feel as though I've achieved something by reaching for and grabbing hold of my dream with both hands.

So - this has been a year that can be summed up in three succinct words: Challenge * Unexpected * Determination

So yes, I am a bit relieved to see the back end of 2010 approaching. My dreams for 2011 are not clear at this point, but I am hoping that it includes instead: Learning * Stability * Abundance

OK - so that's my little piece on 2010. There is so much else going on around here - especially with the boys, so I'll describe each one!

Malakai

I have been faced lately with how Malakai is different. I think this is in part due to Harlan - I never had a 'typical' yardstick until Harlan arrived and now, I see everyday, where their differences lie. At first that was painful for me, as if Malakai's diagnosis was 'hitting home' for the first time since his birth. I would often be stunned into silence when Harlan did something that Malakai did so much later or has never done at all...

At the same time though, I've been amazed at how well Malakai is doing. There are some areas that make it difficult to understand exactly how much Malakai actually knows (like his speech delay for example), but we're overcoming this.

Malakai is extremely physically strong and amazingly reached all his major gross motor milestones within 'typical' limits. He spends his days climbing over and under everything, wanting to experience new things with his body. He's also imitating things on a physical level - like the dancing on his favourite Barney DVD's. It's too friggen cute!

We've also discovered, by accident, that Malakai can read most of his signing flash cards. If we cover the image so that just the word is showing, Malakai correctly gives the sign for the word 8 out of 10 times. This has given me such a hope and we're going to be expanding his signing repertoire. I honestly thought speech was just around the corner - about 6 months ago already - but this just hasn't happened. So we need to find a way to help Malakai communicate - and he just loves signing and flash cards!

Another blessing is Malakai's love for books - he truly loves to read and gets so excited when I pull out his Love and Learning books... It's such a pleasure to see him WANT to learn.

Another thing that Malakai loves is to sing/sign along to his favourite songs. Because he's not really verbal right now, we try to choose songs that we can do the moves to, so that he can participate. If we don't know the signs, we just make moves up as we go along.

We've just seen such a change this year in Malakai - he's taking part, learning, showing us just how much he does understand, and giving us grey hairs with his antics! Next year he starts creche (again). This time we've found a wonderful place close to home that is my idea of the perfect place to spend my days if I were a toddler! And to boot, his teacher has experience with children with Down syndrome - so she's positive and excited about including him in her class next year!

I can't wait to look back at the end of 2011 and see how much more Malakai has grown and developed - no flourished - in his new school!

Harlan

Without ever verbalising it (or even really being conscious of it at all), I have a sneaking suspicion that I saw Harlan as my trip to Italy - all flashy, fast and fashionable... What happened couldn't have been further from what I expected...

A six-month bout of severe colic left me totally depleted - feeling completely useless as a mother and unable to cope in general. This wasn't what I signed up for... I kept thinking. Where was my 'perfect' baby? I've said it before and I'll say it again - emotionally, I coped better with Malakai's diagnosis than with Harlan's colic.

Harlan hated being held, he didn't respond to my attempts to soothe him and basically had a terrible experience of 'life' for his six months. And I felt helpless and totally incapable of making it better for him. On top of it, I was not able to give Malakai the attention he needed, because I was forever attempting to soothe Harlan (and failing miserably). So I felt an incredible guilt for letting Malakai down as well.

Then seven months rolled along, and eight, and nine... And Harlan has grown into this super happy, gorgeous little sprite. I love his spirit, I love his smile, I love HIM! 

Harlan literally does new things every two days - he's hard to keep up with sometimes! And I've had to work through some emotions that tell me I cannot celebrate his rapid development because it will somehow be a slap in face to Malakai's achievements... I know it sounds ridiculous, and it is... So, I'm learning to celebrate Harlan for who he is, independent of Malakai.

To date, little Harlan is saying his first word ('ball'... go figure!), he's climbing all over the place, he's completely attached to me, he's standing and even taking a few steps here and there. I look at him and my heart swells. And for this... for this... I am so truly grateful, because for a long time I saw him and felt only pain and disillusionment.

So - here's to another year. A new beginning. A fresh start.

We say 'hello' to a plethora of possibilities in 2011 - it feels like Christmas (and it is!) with all this hope and yearning sitting full on my heart.

Bring it on!

Smile :)

I have been meaning to upload photos for a while now - but with all the business around here, it's not been as quick or easy as I'd thought! So without further a-do... here are some pictures from the last few weeks!

Harlan LOVES to swing!

Where to next?

"Hello?" - Malakai's favourite thing!

Just the best smile!

Malakai catching leaves at the Botanical Gardens

Some bubble-fun!

Shake a leg!

Grrr!

That smile again!

Malakai's other favourite thing!

Bath Time Fun!

A rare moment of sharing...

"Hello" again!

Wassup?

Malakai was facinated by the putting green on holiday in Sabi Sabi

Malakai stealing the flags from the putting green!

My three boys

Harlan's always in on the action!

Taking a walk at Sabi Sabi - I love the Lowfeld!

Really? I mean... Really?

Happiness!

Malakai's version of the Soccer World Cup

Yummy?

Grrr - again!

Taking another walk at Sabi Sabi

Malakai's first roll down a grassy hill - yes... for real!

Summer Time Fun in the blow-up pool!

Fun in the sun!



Gimme Gimme - Malakai is facinated by the camera as well, and I just love his beautiful blue eyes!