So, I got the flu from my mom and then passed it onto little Malakai. Poor little monkey is streaming rivers from his nose... I feel so sorry for him! But despite this, he is still smiling and generally a very happy little boy!
Malakai continues to amaze me every day! He is going through a bit of a development spurt with expressive & receptive language. He’s making all kinds of sounds that I sometimes have to stop in my tracks and go ‘what the??? Oh... It’s Malakai!’ And last night, while perusing our favourite books, I asked Malakai (as I always do) to point out the baba in the pictures and he actually did! Now, it may have been a complete coincidence, but I am sure I saw him actually think, look and then touch the baby’s face. Too cute!
Because Malakai is sick, we’ve skipped our therapy this week. Especially because I take him to therapy before work – at 7:00am which is not a good idea now that he’s sick and it’s cold outside! Winter is definitely upon us! But it leaves me feeling abit sad, because I really can’t seem to do with Malakai what his physio therapist does... She is so much more effective and her toys are actually interesting!! So I am left asking myself if I am Malakai’s mother or therapist? Or both? Or half/half? Or, or, or??? Or am I just lazy? I don’t know!!!!!!!!!!!
But what I do know is that I feel absolutely guilty... from the bottom of my toes to the tip of my runny nose...
I do not want him to miss out on any opportunity to grow and develop to his full potential, and yet I can’t seem to get it together enough to participate regularly in his excercises at home. Either he’s sick, or tired, or both, or throwing up, or I’m absolutely brain-dead from a hard day at work and I can barely keep a smile pasted on my face while feeding and bathing him, never-mind motivate him to crawl to a toy that he’s obviously not too interested in...
What I’ve realised being mother to my little monkey is that my mind is always focussed on – ‘has he spent enough time on his tummy today? If not, we could be seriously jeapordising his chances of crawling, and if he doesn’t crawl, well then that’s just absolutely terrible, and it’s my fault, and the sky will fall in.’ And then... I realise that I am getting worked up because I am moving away from the moment and into a future that I know nothing about... Oh.... that’s why I’m hyperventilating!
So, I try to push the thoughts away, because they aren’t helping, they aren’t actually making a good difference. All they do is make me feel bad, and when I feel bad I can’t be a good mom. The feelings and thoughts do nag at my mind though, but I suppose that’s normal? I can’t fight the thoughts and feelings, but I can realise that right now I’m doing my very best – and that’s all I can do – my best.
Somewhere inside me, I have a strong belief that Malakai chose me and I chose him, way before either of us came to this earth. So, we are made for each other right? What I have to offer today, is what Malakai needs today, because we are meant for each other. What I am able to give tomorrow, or next week, or next month will also be perfect, as long as I keep my mind clear of the negative and scary thoughts that often come to visit.
Thank You Lord 5 years NED 16 January 2013
11 years ago
9 comments:
Don't feel bad. I'm supposed to stand Jax in his stander every day so his hips don't get loose. But finding time to do it is not easy, and I'm sad to say it rarely happens every day.
All mothers have this kind of guilt--for every child, not just our kids with bonus chromosomes. The stakes seem higher with our kids with Ds, and pressure is greater, since we've got all these therapists and specialists scrutinizing everything our kids do. I still find myself second guessing what I'm doing with Hannah, hoping I'm making the right decisions by ignoring some things so she has the chance to just be a regular old kid.
But, our first job, and the best job, is to love our kids. Nobody else can do that like a mommy. Honestly, Malakai will do all the gross motor things--maybe not perfectly--maybe his crawl will be a little lopsided, or maybe it will take him a long time to be comfortable on stairs--but none of it is going to affect his life as an adult.
It's far more important for Malakai to know he's loved and encouraged than it is for him to have a specific amount of exercise time. You're aiming to raise a child who is secure in relationships with people. You're aiming to have a child who can think on his own (and your book reading and his pointing to pictures is a terrific start!). He's just starting to explore the world, and you get to be his guide. I encourage you to incorporate some of the "therapeutic" things into your daily routine, but also allow for most of your time together to be just regular Mommy and baby stuff--cuddles and tickles, silly playing and exploring.
And get better soon Malakai!
Hey Mr Malakai -sorry to hear your not feeling well! Hope you get better very soon! Big hugs! Megs!
P.S: Loren you are a wonderful mother!
I think one day you will look back on these early months and years and remember your sweet boy and the love you share so make sure to be his mommy first and foremost because that is really what you'll wish for when he is grown and leaves home and is independent. Love your baby, share quality time with him that makes both of you happy, try not to think about what you are supposed to do with him but what feels natural to do with him. Trust those motherly instincts! You and he are awesome.
Oh wow. I can SO relate to this post. In fact, I have tears in my eyes right now...
I feel the same way, Loren. I always question whether or not I am doing "enough". It's exhausting.
Thank you for posting this. It does help knowing that I'm not alone in my mother/therapist struggles.
((Hugs))
We all seem to have the same thoughts and feelings about all of our kids, DS or not. You are a great mom and advocate for Malakai.
Winter ick! I am so happy we are done with that for a little while.
Hope Malakai feels better soon.
Oh, sure hope you feel better soon:) You ARE a PERFECT MOMMY for Malakai...you were made for each other, I agree;)
You are a wise Mommy...and giving Malakai exactly what he needs! :)
I think so many of us struggle with "am I doing enough?" I know that I don't find myself doing therapy everyday, and I feel guilty and wonder, would he be doing (fill in the blank) by now if I had worked with him more? But I am a mom first. Sometimes a mom only. And there is a life around us that needs tending. I pour love into my son, which is something the therapists just cannot do, so yeah, I guess I am doing something right. And so are you.
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