Pregnancy Update

So, I'm around 26 weeks now and starting to pack on the weight! Little man is weighing in at 1kg and is doing well. Other than being booked off for bed-rest for the next two weeks, due to stress, I'm doing just fine.

Physically, I've got a real belly now, and there's no "is she or isn't she??" looks anymore. I'm finding it quite hard to cope with Malakai's new habit of squirming on my lap - he just 'tucks and rolls' without any notice and I'm left trying to stop him from diving head-first onto the floor! Not easy when my arms feel like jelly and my stomach muscles are nowhere to be seen! LOL! Picking him up, changing nappies (he likes to kick me straight in the stomach), bathing and dressing are all activities that are becoming more difficult to master - so I've resorted to singing... the alphabet song... over and over again... It really holds his attention I tell you!

Psychologically, I am not really feeling very emotionally connected to this pregnancy - I'll be honest. I don't know why exactly, and I'm a bit scared to try and find out... I know that the incessant questions of 'have you done your tests?', 'is the baby normal?' etc etc are probably more hurtful than they would be if I wasn't over-flowing with pregnancy hormones. But it does bug me a bit, because those questions imply that I wouldn't like to repeat my experience of having a 'baby like' Malakai again.

So - would I? Would I repeat my experience again, knowing full and well what's in store for me? I know that nothing will stop me from loving this little boy. I know that no 'condition' or 'diagnosis' could make me choose to end his life. I know that perfection comes in many forms. I know that my Malakai is the greatest gift I've ever received, and so why wouldn't I want to repeat the experience?

I also know that I have never been a mother to a 'typical' child. I know that I don't which milestone comes when and how, anymore than I know what it's like to not have to go to therapy twice or three times a week. I know that I'm a mother to a child with special needs, so how will I fare with a 'typical' child?

I guess I'm scared that I will see Malakai in a different light. I guess I'm scared that I actually have to pay attention to what 'typical' development looks like - which I've gladly dodged these past 15 months with Malakai. I guess I'm even scared that the attention I give Malakai will be halved, or that I'm going to leave this new little guy to just 'do his thing' because I know he can and will.

And so?

Well - Humpf! That's all I can say. I know it sounds horrible, but what can I do? I am very aware of the fact that reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it. These thoughts exist and so they will be acknowledged. But they will not be placed on a pedestal and followed like gospel.

The only thing I can do (and the only thing I have been doing since Malakai's birth) is to take it one day at a time. As long as I don't look too far ahead, as long as I do my best today, it will all be ok - Love is like that!

And so, I give this little baby everything he needs, through the miracle of a mother's body. I am glad he is on the way, I look forward to meeting him and having him part of our little family. But I am not thinking of exactly how this is going to go down... because I just can't know at this point.

What I do know for sure is that reality is much kinder than the scary stories we tell about it. And I'll just stick with that - today's reality. Tomorrow will take care of itself.